why am i still so angry? every time i think about what happened, all of it, i feel the rage boiling inside.
it was all a waste. all those years that i thought were the best and happiest of my life, they were all based on a lie.
my feelings were real. i was never the kind of person who could pretend i had feelings for someone when i didn't. i could never fake something like that. when i tell someone i love him, i mean it because i don't say it to just anyone.
you, on the other hand, had no problems doing that, did you? it was all a game to you. you enjoyed holding us at arms' length, making us believe you were feeling things you so clearly weren't. you always had to be at an advantage. you always had to be right. you always had to be the good guy.
you didn't live up to any of the standards you set for yourself. in business, sure, you'll do far better than practically anybody you know. you'll be rich beyond your wildest dreams. you'll even find a woman to fall in love with you. and you will think that you're the happiest you've ever been in your life.
but you'll never truly be happy, because you do not love yourself. you do not accept yourself for who you really are. you think you're "all that" but you aren't, and that's why you need to be reassured all the time. you have to be the perfect guy, and you'll do everything, everything, you can possibly do -- distract her with gifts, make promises you can't keep, say all the right things -- to convince her of that. but in the end, you will fail because you are playing a part. and when she discovers who you really are, i pray that she is strong enough to stand by you. no, i pray that you are strong enough to face the consequences.
you are not perfect. no one is. and you can't expect anyone to be perfect. if you do, you will always be disappointed. face your flaws and embrace them. if there are things you want to change, then by all means change them. but change them because you want to be a better person, not because you are trying to prove a point. if you are sincere in your desire to change, it will show. people will know. if you are changing just to prove a point, then the change will never be complete.
i'm glad i got out of your crazy world when i did. yes, i am still angry, but i know the time will come when i will be free of this anger. i know i will find love again. i know i will be happy because when i do fall in love again, it will not be with someone i settled for because i'm afraid to be alone. i know i will be happy because when i fall in love again, it will be with someone who deserves the love i know i can give. someone who will fight for me. someone who will never hurt me. someone who will love me for who i am.